I'M STILL HOLDING ON!

Leaving my footprints here...

that marks "I'm still alive & fighting on in my studies & Final Year Project"

I can't wait to see Your Glorious Days to come~

Only You Know... Where I Am

I was on the wheels... I went to the dark...

I was beside the water... I was in the silence...

I went to the highest place... I looked out from above...

I put myself in risk... No one knows where I've been.... Only you know where & what i've been through... I found peace in You...

For you are my Hiding Place, my Refuge,

There i seek Your Face.

CRUSHED

Never have i thought.. it could be that hurt...

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As days go by, i was trying to move forward, trying to be still. Perhaps, God wants me to learn to walk out from the crushed spirit, and stand up once again, with faith.

I don't even know if i had done the right thing... I din't expect it would turn out this way... I shouldn't have underestimate...that i would get hurt myself more... I wished..that i could take back my words...

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I was there.. I heard... & I saw... but why are you still doing this... as if i did not know anything... I was silent, because i want you to speak up yourself, let it be the words that comes from ur own mouth... the more u do that...the more u hurt me....I felt like i'm a fool.. but i learned to love & pray for you. The worse part is that i felt hopeless to help u... i'm so limited i do not know what to do.. that's the hardest part. & i'm preparing myself to be taken for granted. Perhaps God, u allow me to go through the hurt free process.

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"Dear Lord, it is You the One who gave me strength, to restart my life, to move on & go more miles for you. It is You Lord, that i take refuge in. Who else God, can i turn to if it's not for You. Come & heal me Lord. Restore my broken heart. Stretch out Your Mighty Hands God, do not be too silent, for You are my living Hope. Guide me in the Truth. In You, I trust~ I know that my Redeemer lives, & you will come to Save."

So close...yet So FAr

These scenes...these places are so familiar... And i recalled the sweet memories i had... I have been here before... I had done something here before... the laughter...the chatter... I remembered... I finally get to remember back once again...

i realized... i had been losing my memories... because i find it... estranged when i found myself in these places... i remembered the days when i had been praying that these memories will be deleted from my mind...

* * * * * * * * * * *

I find it so hard to see ahead... for the route i'm on it is covered with thick fog.. as if the path is leading to no where...

but somehow this route... there is a light that shines once in awhile... & there is this voice that says.. "this way"...

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

The moment of Silence...

The moment of silence…

..when I have nothing to say, for im speechless…

..When i learned to catch up & flow with all the rushings… despite the aches & tiredness..

.. when I witnessed bitterness…

The moment of silence…when I can’t see the light of hope…

i'v become quiet & shy, timid & vulnerable...

* * * * * * * *

[flashing back]

A friday night to remember…when those words… cut through my heart…Trying to smile yet breathing in back the accumulated mucus & allowing my tears to flow out silently. I cried… I yelled… I spoke up… for I can’t stand it…I tried to control myself… Those words really hurt me..

It was a 1 hour face to face talk... & I thank God for such unexpected event that led us to a breakthrough in our relationship. We end up repent & pray together before God. I hugged..

* * * * * * * *

[flashing back]

It was a warmth night for me… when I tidy up my room.

Lots of memories being restored when I packed my things….my childhood, primary, high school time, college, uni… family of God & in this house… In this house, there’s a wooden giant spoon that I like it alot, for its message always made my heart warmth... i learned to cherish...

* * * * * * * *

I thank God for all the things that happen, for I have the chance of being rise up, take up greater responsibilities, gaining trust from people, & becoming a blessing in such places. I cherish the times when we laugh Together, in d midst of facing hardship Together, compared to 1 person alone bearing all the burdens. I cherish all the sharing & talks. I wanna give thanks to those who had blessed us, & bro sis + friends who encouraged me. I really wonder what is ahead… only God knows what will happen tomorrow, tomorrow, & tomorrow~ May the Lord prepare me to embark a new journey in this coming semester!

Experience lead us to wisdom. Pains & scars allow us to be stronger. Courage is not a gift, yet its a character developed through hardship. Let us move forward with faith my dear people who are in struggles! Let's press on together! God bless :)

My 1st Night With The Kids...It Was Not So Bad~

I don't quite understand why kids have to follow you around & sleep despite i had changed my positions away from them so that i can open my legs wide & snore out loud like a wile boar (just kidding, i didn't do that anyhow).



I mean... they just want you to be around them. One thing i have learned & am learning, is that, kids do need attention, security & love~ Which is one thing that i had been neglected towards kids all these while...



Though there were little kicks & leg hugging for me at night, but it was still a wonderful picture having my eyes peep opened in the middle of the night to see what they are up to~

It's a beautiful picture...

Seldom do i have the chance to sit down, observe, enjoy & listen to these two beautiful women, the women who chose to live for God, sharing about their lives. The weather was kinda hot, yet the floor was cooling. These two lives, whom they had gone through many challenges, sat together on the floor, were in all smiles. I was sitting on the sofa, shaking my legs like a kid, wif baby Jo around me & mom. We laughed & joked together. I never had such experience in my house before. Watching them having great time together, with me part in it, i felt so blessed.



It was truly a wonderful picture~

Jehovah Healeth Me

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I Thank You Lord, for allowing me to go through these process. For i know that you are building & molding me. There were confusion, there was hurt, there were sweet memories. But Lord, i just want to put all these behind. Erase my memory oh Lord, I want to forget the past. I just want to move on, I just want to serve you, I just want to love you more & more. And I want to delight myself in you Lord. Thank you, for you are my Jehovah Healer.

Philippians 3:13

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead!

Those Tiny Little Fingers...

I felt so warmth when u lay your chest on me, I felt so near to your heart beat.

You were a sleepy head when i cradled you in my arms.

You look so cute when u had your yawn.

I brushed through your hair & held you tight,

You gave me a sense of loving to you more & more.

Look at that little fingers of yours,

You are the one who motivates me to sing lullaby to you.

Your tiny eyes that take a peep on me when you are about to have your sweet dreams.

At times you threw tantrums & cried out loud.

But you are always a sweet heart to me.

You are like a precious ruby, even millions times better than that.

You are a beautiful child of God, name given that means "God is gracious".

You will grow up to be a great woman of God.

Thank You so much for your touch. For I know that,

It is You who First Love Us, That I could give my love.

Thank You Lord.

At times, I thought u are still here...

In memories of you...

I miss you...

My Hiding Place

It was drizzling cold, with cool breeze brush through my face, im not sure how long i have been up here on this hill, but i have found a place... a place for me to cool down...

It was drizzle rain, I don't even know which one is the droplet from the sky... or izit from my eyes.. There was no one in this park, there were only voices... voices from the sky, voices from the surrounding beauty nature. I sat on the pave way, not concerning if i would soak myself in rain, i cried out loud to the Lord...

Psalm 34:18
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. "

Psalm 91:2
"I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

My Hiding Place, to seek Him,
My place of Safety..

Waiting Upon

It was truly a wonderful semester that i had gone through, the 1st 2nd quarter of this year. Flashing back the days of sorrow, excitement, shame, stress, and not forgetting the sweet hours i had at nights, and days too. I learn to fix my eyes on the Lord, I learn to trust in Him more, I learn to find rest in Lord Jesus. Frankly speaking, if i do not have God in my life, that down times period, i really do not know where i can find strength to go for more miles, that will last. I thank God to have my brothers and sisters to watch over me, i feel so blessed to be in this family of God.

In this semester, i made mistakes during the holidays, in which it slap me hard on the face when i realize i had lost the vision. I climb up once again, i learn to catch up, i learn from my mistakes. I did mistakes again when i did not trust God enough & end up a broken spirit, a broken soul. I submitted my sorrow & sickness unto His Hands. Im trading my worries with the Joy of the Lord, recognizing that He is my Lord my God. I thank Him for moulding me. With all the things that happen in this past semester, i received the most is learning to be still, & wait upon the Lord. The Lord is my shepherd, He watches over me.

I grateful for God-sent people in my lives. My heart rejoice when seeing them experiencing the grace of God. Yet, seeing the person that i love being hurt, really breaks my heart. I learn to submit into Him either, that He will take care of him, as he go through the roaring seas. I made mistakes during the holidays, i do not want to repeat it again. Knowing that the Lord has His right time, for us, for me, for everyone.

I'm a lady in wait, for that 1 fine day.

Im waiting upon~