It is just not fair...because i'm unworthy of it...

"...Thank you...Thank you so much....Thank you so so much O Lord......I'm in deep greatfulness.....You gave me hope again..."

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There were many occasions i thought back the times when i was being looked down in the past....i have burried all the grieve & hatred within me, & it became so strong that sometimes it creates a feeling of revenge....

There were times that i fought back with no mercy for those who used to treat me arrogantly last time, when i know i'm in power now.... that it created the pride so strong yet invisible on the outside...in me.....

There were many times i was being cut through, my heart.. so deep so deep that it bled non stop & it had turned my heart into stone, a mask on the face.... and it had me made over into a new person, more confident 10 times than before....

hey~ not now... not now lily~

i do not want to have all these now~ i no longer want all these...

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When i look back all these while....so much ups & downs... ahh just like a roller coaster........ I thank the Lord for what had happened & even the sufferings that i endured... because sufferings produce perseverance, mould me, shape me & turn me anew....

It is just so unfair for those who are unworthy to shine.... & that is GRACE that i have learned....

& i'm.. learning to change...take away this pride~

Thank YOU so so much....

For YOUR GRACE IS Always Sufficient~

HOPE Kampar Mission Support (5-6/6/10)

"Dear Lord, I pray that i'm able to mingle well with the bros & sis there..."

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It was a lovely morning in Kampar, Perak Malaysia! A place that is surrounded by hills & lakes. Kampar is located in the tin ore reserves areas where u'll find abandoned mining-ponds too.

It was my 1st time joining HOPE Church Serdang for mission support in Kampar. It was a fantastic experience~ I cherish the friendship i have made with the bros & sis there~

We left Serdang, Selangor on 5th, around 10am & off to Perak we go!!

During the 1st day in Kampar, we had our networking introduction session in the noon, then we were divided into groups for a game. And this game was indeed something to ponder on between Life & Ministry. It goes like this:-
Yellow - means, something you think that is impossible but u would like to try / carry out, & it's possible!
Blue - means, something you are still doing in Life & in Ministry.
Red - means, something you think that is not effective in Life & Ministry, that u have stop doing that.
White - means, something crazy or seems impossible that you would like to do.

Each 4 groups takes turn to write on each different colours of manila cards.

(just a sample)

this session actually gives u a wider perspective on what u r still pursuing in this world & what's your priority in life, ministry etc..

Next, we had our frisbee game & it's really awesome. I thought frisbee game is gonna be boring but hey~ we played it something like the basketball way. Running here & there under the hot sun, my skin was scorching alright~

"....i came here for mission SUPPORT, & not for vacation....."

Though time management was something that needs to improve on, i really appreciate the efforts made by Bro Calvin & his team in serving, organizing everything. There were times he shouted for attention & cooperation. Many times his patience was tested i assumed. I was thinking... sometimes we always go for mission suppport, say monthly~ & it has become a norm, that we have forgotten that we were going for a mission, for a purpose, & not for vacation, relax & have fun. we r going there 4 support & mission oh yeah~

i'm glad to see the spirit among bros & sis who realize this. something that we can learned from each other's life together.

Here comes the night, & we went out to do invitations for Talent Night & Welcoming care groups. I was teamed with Bro Mok, Bro Yun Lai & Sis Vivien, with Sis Shi Rou joined us later. It was awesome going from house to house in UTAR, Kampar doing publicity. Ahh~ just like old times with community service gang in Kundang Ulu, Pagor Johor. Walking under hot sun for days from house to house to promote education, hoping the villagers would join our events. ahh~ miss it!

Tiring~ but had great time~ Though many of them are young babies in Christ, some almost same time with me when i accepted Christ last year, the passion in some of the bros sis for God, the Love within them~ so warmth so sincere~ ahh lovely!

West Lake view is indeed a fascinating sight.... here's a sample

(picture obtained from blogger Adrian Foo)

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The next morning i woke up~ thought i was having flu, but only realize my nose was bleeding. ergh nasty... Kampar is indeed a hot zone alright~

It was Mission Sunday. Sis Adeline's Word For Life class was indeed an awesome1, added with a lil sense of humour, this is no ordinary lady but a lady of God! Shared tits & bits of her life too~ ahh powerful testimonial standing in front of me~

It was a great Mission Sunday service in Hope Kampar, really glad to meet Coordinator Bro Joshua. Wonderful sermons that really touched me that gave me some ponders & encouragements. I thank God for the whole trip, full restoration & answers that I have received. I cherish every friendship that i have found.

met Pui Ying from Hope Batu Pahat too! muahaha *cubit*

like to thank UPten 4 inviting me for this mission as well

+U all STAR groups! Best wishes for Talent Night!!

P/S : Talent Night Singing Competition @ 18/6/2010 7.30pm, @Hope Kampar (walking distance from Grand Kampar Hotel), with special guest appearance 2008 Astro Talent Quest Champion GAN WAN CHEAN(颜莞倩). Welcome every1 including all Utarians to join!!

** 1st prize winner for competition is RM150.

** RM5 entrance fees for Talent Night, while stock last!

when i was having my thoughts....

"u woke up early~ where r u going?"

"err..im goin out...to meet some friends.."

***(eversince that night u questioned me about the "issues", it started to affect me...i know that i could not answer u...because i just can't...im not even confident to give u an answer...i'm just sorry i dissapoint u..i've tried my very best..)***

Headed down the streets of KL, trying to clear my mind off. Whenever im frustrated, i'll just like to take a stroll outside~ Don't know why...i just chose KL~ maybe it's because im not familiar with the routes, & whenever im in a new environment, i'll be more alert & refreshed when im alone~

sometimes im weak, throw me into a new place & let me survive on my own, i'll come out whole anew~ & stronger perhaps, after going through sufferings & stand up again without relying on others.. Weird but it's true that whenever i have friends that i can depend on, i'll become less alert, dumber perhaps... sometimes i rather chose to be alone...

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Met a couple of backpackers in the train~ with the guy's face fully grown with moustache, the couples' unmanaged attires..looked kinda rugget though~ the couple reminds me of a chat i once had with my best friend, when we both were high on the topic of travelling. Saying that we will be backpackers 1day, going around the world, stopping by countries to work temporary & earn some bucks while dropping by hotels motels & sleep in lobbies for free...huh that was old time alright...how sad that this relationship is not complete...

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Saw an interesting blind pairs today..they were walking by the blind walkway with the help of their folding canes. Suddenly i have this curiousity on how they survived through this busy street in KL & followed them behind slowly.. Observed their every move from a distance~ I heard the blind lady that was clutching the guy's elbow said "macam mana"(how), d guy replied "jalan saje"(just walk) & he knew where to avoid certain corners & had great sense of direction to turn left or right. Then came to the escalator, the couple stop & the lady said "macam mana", the guys replied "pegang ni, jalan saje" (hold this, just walk) & the guy lead the girl through his elbow to touch the handle of the moving escalator. The lady was trying to balance herself on the moving stairs while the guy was steadily in position. However i've lost sight of the couples. Not long after, i saw that lady again but was alone at the end...i wonder where did the blind man go....

Though there were a few shoulder bumps when the surrounding people not aware of the blinds, i would say that the male has great sense of hearing, he has been trained for it, to listen to voicec, voices of the surrounding, the people, the busy streets... that lady seems like a rookie though, as if she has just become a blind lately & not used to the "new" condition she is in right now...

U know, i even wonder of tabbing along a blind, with my eyes blind folded & off the road with a stick.. & learn to listen like a blind, be alert like a blind. I~ want to have that sensitivity towards The Voice too...

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" Eli~ Eli? Are u calling me..?"
- 1Samuel 3:6-8

Here it goes again...

Feelin pressured?

"Oh..It wasn't me...It's her..."

This phrase always come & go~

I met my teacher who taught me English when i was a kid, whom she has been watching me grow until today. Ya, once in awhile i still keep in touch with her. I like her...but i just can't stand the fact that i felt presurred under the conversations.. Not only with her....but with many others too...

Children whose parents are principals of some universities, presidents of an organization, teachers, deans or whatever positions they are in, might have to live a life driven by expectations. You always need to beat the best (or at least u must be in the Top A List). Usually these kids are bright. After all~ their parents expect them to be bright anyway~ This is not only applicable to these group of people, also included children of whom their parents want their children to be the best always. So that their reputation can be maintained & gained the jealousy + praises from others. Keeping their kids a hectic schedule of tuitions, piano classes, swimming classes, computer classes etc etc to ensure they are well equipped. I am wondering.... is this what their kids really want...

I am grateful that i don't have parents who push me / expect me to give the very best in all. It is the surrounding people that i need to go through that kind of pressure...

"hey how's your result Lily? Surely you'll get 4flats coz u r smart."

"wa~ surely ur result is good. Ur parent is the...." (it doesn't go this way ok)

"no wonder u did not apply the job as a tutor,u don't have interest in it i see~ such a waste la ur SPM got all As" (erm...no...it wasn't me, it's my sis..u've mistaken)

"my daughter just went to UK" "that teacher's son is studying medicine" "my daughter got very good result in her STPM" "u know Pn.XXX's daughter get how many As in her..." "Mr.XXX's son is now in Taiwan doing.."...................."& what about u Lily??"

"What about me??" huh~

I may chat along well during these conversations~ but u did not see the hurt in my eyes. The fact is.. im not achieving much... If u have a trophy brother sister but u r the exact opposite of them...i believe no1 likes to be compared & being looked down.....

I never really talk about my past when im in new environment. When i came to Johor, it was a new start. Can't believe my confidence actually (can i say fooled many?) covers the blemishes in my life...some juniors of mine even thought i was in the student representative council... Well~the fact is that... i am NOT what u think guys~ Sorry... if u ever have any expectations from me that i failed to give. I am nothing...

Why there r so many tears in this holiday....huzz.. The inferiority complex wihin me has reappear again... There are too much failures that i could not accept... It just made me a bad testimonial... So many failures.... so many failures.....

NOT gonna give up like this though... no way

Battling within myself....

I just don't know what to say....

There is this voice inside me.... I always having monologues within my head... Whatever i see, whatever i hear, whatever things that happen, it affects me so strong.... so strong in the heart...

A book that i just read...it just impacts me alot... & i finally see what's happening in my life... The words from the pages, i just read it again & again... my eyes scanned through the words a few times... It's so hard to receive the truth...but the words from this book....it is just so right... it is just so right.... It is just so hard to accept the fact that... & that u realize that u REALLY NEED TO CHANGE....